Anthropology’s Watergate Moment?
The breakthrough came during an annual Gathering of Hunters celebration in the Impudicus epoch, when Urinapithecus, foraging for berries, parted a thicket and discovered what researchers now call “The Great Pyramidal Stack.” The specimen stood motionless for quite a while, staring at the pristine tower of bath tissue arranged in perfect geometric formation. It would be another 50,000 years before the natural resource could be put to practical use, largely because Urinapithecus had already perfected the bidet. The discovery was later documented by Sir Edmond Dische-Petri, explorer and game show host, who was among the first to pivot from computer dating to carbon dating.
For years the finding had been mislabeled as Partypithecus, until a Blitzful Eats driver making a late-night delivery to the museum basement noticed that the specimen box had obscuring smudge marks. This led to the transcription error being corrected to its true name: Partlypithecus—”partly,” because this was not a full Pithecine specimen, but a hybrid form, clearly distinguished by its nondenominational bone marrow and what Sir Edmond described as “suspiciously 19th Century dental work.”
The discoveries were later corroborated by Sir Edmond himself, whose controversial memoir, Two in the Bush, remains out of print, though bootleg copies circulate at anthropology conferences where they’re traded for citation favors and tenured positions. For further reading, see Dr. I.R. Moderne’s seminal rebuttal, Against the Grain: Why Urinapithecus Couldn’t Possibly Have Known, published by the Institute of Speculative Paleontology, 1987.
Scholars still argue over whether bidet was pronounceable in the Impudicus epoch, though the Morrison School insists the utterance resembled badminton more than anything hygienic.
